For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with either not being able to focus on anything, or not being able to focus on anything else. In the same way, my emotional life has always had high peaks, deep valleys and an elevator with a jet engine in between. When the elevator went up and the focus took over, nothing has stood in the way; neither obstacles nor good advice. But just as surely as a glass thrown into the air will fall to the ground and shatter, that elevator has turned and the focus has dropped. And there I have stood with my plans in ruins and the belief that “this time it will be different” was replaced by my conviction that I was a failed person. After every trip and shattered plan, I still found my way back to some kind of functioning existence - thanks in large part to my mother's love.

There had been talk of having me tested for ADHD when I was a child, but nothing had ever come of it. But when I was 26, I tried to get a referral for an investigation after reading a lot and recognising myself in a lot. I met a woman and she had a student with her, she asked why I thought I might have ADHD, what I worked with, what I did in my free time and if I could sit still and watch an entire movie without taking a break. I answered the questions and after about 15 minutes I was told that I didn't need a referral, because if I had ADHD I wouldn't have been able to sit still and watch a movie without a break.

Despite the fact that I wasn't completely convinced after those 15 minutes, it took 7 years and countless attempts to ”get myself together" before I tried to get a referral again. It worked after a few tries. And after a few meetings with the person who examined me, she looked at me with a sadness in her eyes and said ”why didn’t anyone seen this before". With the thought that maybe I wasn't just a failed human, I couldn't help but cry as I got into the car after that meeting. The meetings continued and when the question of medication came up I said no, I was there to get answers and not medication. We talked about it and the thought that it could help convinced me to try it. At the day I picked up the medicine I had a day off from work and 20 minutes after I had taken the pill a calm settled inside me, the thoughts that were always going back and forth lined up and waited for me to choose one.

It took a few months to find the right type and dosage, but once everything was in place, it was incredible. Family and friends noticed and commented on the positive difference they saw. And I was so incredibly grateful, life was definitely not perfect but now I could handle it better.

This year (2024) is the fifth year of taking the medicine and every time I have tried not to take it, it has been the same as before; my thoughts, feelings and focus have flown like leaves in the wind. Also when I was given substitute medicine because the medicine I usually used was not available, my old self made itself known. At the beginning of August, the medicine ran out and the pharmacy was also empty. My thoughts wandered and my emotions fluctuated. It becomes so much more tangible when you have something to compare it to and even though I knew that it was not due to my shortcomings, it was me I blamed and cursed. And so the days passed.

I was newly saved at this time and the man that God had sent to me to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ was inside me at work almost daily. When I told him about the problems with the medicine, he offered to drive me to the nearest pharmacy that had it. I thanked him for the opportunity, but it was 50+ miles away so it was more than just a short drive. We continued to talk about the Lord and about faith. He carried with him a peace that was contagious and often emphasized that that peace came from the Lord, that it was the freedom that faith gave him. Before he left, he urged me to ask the Lord for a solution and then he said “you just have to believe that it will come”.

When evening came, I went to the pharmacy's website to check. It was still empty. Dejected and almost in desperation, I put my phone down and went into the bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and folded my hands in my lap. So I prayed, albeit in an uncertain voice, with all my heart, "beloved Jesus, make it so that I don't have to take the medicine, I can't bear this". Then I went to bed and when I woke up the next day, I drank my coffee, took a shower, got ready and went to work. It wasn't until later in the day that it hit me; my thoughts didn't run, my emotions didn't boil and my focus was where I put it until I decided to move it. Doubt flew into me like an arrow, "it's just today", "I probably just slept well"; but it wasn't right and somewhere I knew it. I was convinced that the Lord had done something, so I thanked him in tears for whatever it was. The days before I had woken up tired, having trouble starting, and a little grumpy; but now I woke up rested and ready to face the day.

Matthew 11:28-30
Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Despite the fact that day after day I woke up just as rested and clear and despite the fact that I was convinced that the Lord had done something, I kind of waited for it to be the same as before. I had gone from needing the maximum dosage to not needing anything at all. And in gratitude and fear that grace would run out and the medicine would be needed again, I often prayed to be given just a few more days.

Two months later and still without medicine, I was out and about. I had received several explanations as to why I really didn’t need the medicine when I told people about what the Lord had done for me, but there was as little truth in them as in the arrows of doubt that came the first day. But as I walked there in the evening darkness, I couldn’t help but think about what He had really done for me; then it dawned on me, He had taken away my ADHD.

Isaiah 53:5
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our
iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his
stripes we are healed.